Hi, all! This was inspired by the Bad Fic challenge, but I couldn't quite do it by the rules (personality defect, I guess). Apologies in advance. Permission to archive to JADFE and WildHeaven Slash Trash, Graphed by L. Zephaniah (zephania@pantek.com) It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait, a dark and stormy , because vampires are in bed in the daytime. Right. Nick had resisted LaCroix's ceaseless sexual overtures for centuries, but for some indecipherable unstateable reason he decided he needed LaCroix's sensual touch tonight. Today. Whatever. Rummaging through his e-mail, he found an excuse: a Challenge to Write a Bad Sex Scene in Seven Graphs. Gathering some supplies, he flew out through his skylight and over the city, following the tendrils of their bond to the one man who could satisfy his lustful libido. LaCroix, already in bed, looked up in surprise as Nick entered. "No black silk pj's, LaCroix? What's gotten into you?" Nick looked closely at the scene before him. "Flannels? And... are those Mickey Mouse sheets?" His ardor dampened by the uncharacteristic setting, Nick paused briefly in his quest to jump his master's bones. "Really, Nicholas," drawled LaCroix. "Unexpected guests should not be so choosy." He looked around, and seemed to feel some further explanation was necessary. "I chowed down on my household help last week. I had to borrow clean sheets from my neighbor." Nick nodded, satisfied. He stripped off his clothes with an enticing wiggle. His shoes and socks disappeared as if by magic, because removing footwear on the fly in a sexy way was beyond the author's abilities. He strode to the bed, his throbbing manhood bobbing with each predatory stride. "Um, Nick?" LaCroix raised an eyebrow. "What that, and what is it doing? You look like you're having -" he lowered his voice to an ominous whisper " - a premature episode." Nick regarded his throbbing, pulsing penis in consternation. "It's my cock, you ninny, but it never did that before!" He stroked it gingerly, relieved when it relaxed into rocklike immobility, standing proudly at attention. Nick continued to the bed as LaCroix offed his PJ's and presented his own royal rod of rocklike rigidity, rampant and ready. Nick paused in admiration, then held a protractor out and asked LaCroix to measure. "What? What are we doing, NIcholas?" "We're doing a bad sex scene with seven graphs. I thought the first could plot our angles of dangle." "Oh. You sure the challenge wasn't seven graphs?" "We couldn't possibly have any dialog with only seven paragraphs." "We're men. We don't talk during sex." "This writer can't do short," Nick explained briefly before turning back to his task. "We'll measure the masses of our asses while we're at it, then graph that and cross graph for the measure of pleasure." LaCroix would do whatever it took to have relations with his always reluctant but always tantalizing child. He measured Nick's angles, let Nick measure his, and patiently waited while Nick pulled out a laptop and plotted the results. They continued with the ass measure, taking time to estimate the volume with loving cupping movements, the density with brisk slaps which bounced the buttocks beautifully, until at last the graphs were done. "There." Nick put the laptop aside, and slid hungrily between the flannel sheets and into LaCroix's waiting embrace. LaCroix threaded his fingers through Nick's curls, cradling and trapping his head, while clutching the bounty of his bare bottom with one hand. Holding him in place, he stroked his cheekbone gently. "Are you sure, mon fils?" "Oui, mon pere." He accepted LaCroix's gentle caress of his swollen member and reached to fondle the other while sucking LaCroix's roving ringer into his ready mouth. LaCroix tickled him gently between the balls. "LaCroix, mon pere... you've already got four hands. I think a fifth is overdoing it somewhat." "I am a vampire, a metaphysical being. I shall have as many hands as I wish." "Pardon, master. I am sorry to have doubted you." Nick blinked back a tear. "Tell me how I can make it up to you." "Nicholas, are you ?" Nick nodded in despair. the tears flowing freely. "Whyever for?" "I'm showing my softer side for the ladies," Nick replied. "You could show a little vulnerability, too, you know." "Vulnerability? Me? You jest." LaCroix looked at Nick aghast, but Nick was adamant. LaCroix stopped abruptly, looking down at his vulnerable nether regions, now wilting fast. "Shit." "You couldn't find some other way to show your innate humanity, oh great and mighty one?" LaCroix seethed inwardly at Nick's sarcasm, but said nothing. "OK, let's just get another graph out of the way. How about length of penis, erect vs. flaccid, for each of us?" Nick pulled a ruler out from under the pillow, and the two spent some time graphing the data. "I shudder to think what will happen next," LaCroix said at length. "The constraints of this particular challenge seem a bit odd to me." "Let's graph something else while we wait. Ummm... length of fangs vs. length of cocks and size of socks?" The two investigated, though LaCroix complained vociferously when Nick would have used his flaccid measurement. Nick entered the data and turned back to LaCroix. "Well, that was stimulating, wasn't it?" "In a word, no." Nick shrugged, his erect penis bobbing deliciously with the movement. "I hope... Oh no, even bad slash couldn't be that bad. Let's get on with it." He stroked LaCroix's alabaster chest, marvelling at the wondrous physique before him. He cast his eye down to LaCroix's powerful thighs, but LaCroix, with great presence of mind, retrieved the wandering orb before it could be damaged, replacing it without comment. LaCroix's well carved musculature begged Nick's fingers to trace the outlines of the pectorals, then trail down the ribcage and back to the naval, ending with a flourish at LaCroix's still limp prick. "LaCroix! do something about that, willya?" "Nicholas, really. Tears... Conversation... Vulnerability... Graphs!! What a turnoff!" "If you don't use the plumbing occasionally, old man, it gets rusty. And you know what happens in fanfic when we don't handle a prob - " Nick broke off suddenly as the most gorgeously sensuous woman he had ever seen entered the boudoir. "Mary Sue," he breathed in grateful recognition. "Thank heavens you're here." "We really need your expertise," LaCroix said before clapping two hands over his mouth in consternation at his uncharacteristic gushing. Nick was happy the older man didn't need to remove the hands devoted to stroking him so sensuously. Mary Sue summed up the situation with a glance. "You're a vampire, LaCroix. You can levitate your entire body at will. Just levitate that little bit of loveliness vampirically, and you're on your way." LaCroix marveled at her perspicacity, and Nick panted with renewed anticipation as LaCroix's levitated organ of lust loomed lush and large. Mary Sue accepted their gratitude graciously as she turned and left. The two wished she had stayed to join in the fun, but manfully buried their disappointment and turned back to each other avidly. Nick turned onto his back and LaCroix gleefully straddled him, bringing his lips down to neatly nuzzle Nick's naked neck. "I wish she'd stayed to explain the complete physiognomy of the vampire penis physique and mystique," moaned Nick. LaCroix had a sudden thought. "Was this challenge for a Scene, or for a Bad , Nicholas?" "Hmmm.... Got me. We've got the Bad Sex covered, let's get on with the Sex Scene." LaCroix massaged Nick's perineum gently, sliding the glans of his penis gently between the digits of his left hand and supplying the manual stimulation which would engage Nick's libido, causing the blood flow to engorge the erectile shaft. The organ lengthened dramatically as the blood flow filled the inner recesses to the maximum. Nick's testicles retracted slightly as the chill hand of the older vampire made contact with his temperature sensitive scrotum. "Uh, LaCroix... I think we're getting a bit clinical. Let's get on with it!" "Mary Sue left an instruction manual. 'Insert Tab A' - that would be me, here - 'into Slot B.' That would be you, here." LaCroix read out loud in his best Nightcrawler voice, setting actions to words and proceeding to proceed. "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." "Lather?" "Hmmmm.... Wrong page. Hold on a moment." "LaCroix, if we don't get cracking, Mary Sue will be back." "Have we made enough graphs?" LaCroix, with Tab A firmly inserted into Slot B, was anxious to prolong the moment. "Let's plot the length of time Tab A's in Slot B if Tab B doesn't get some more stimulation here." "Ooops. LaCroix applied his tongue to Tab B skillfully, bending metaphysically to reach. "That's better. I'll just plot a graph of age vs. endurance while you're at it." LaCroix, determined to outdo his protege in that department, continued his pretzel work until Nick closed the laptop with a snap and pulled LaCroix's mouth up to his. LaCroix allowed all five of his wandering hands to stroke and caress Nicholas, stimulating both of them. He pulled his face back to lock gazes with his passionate partner, reaching deep within his mind for the bond which connected them. Only when he and Nicholas joined soul to soul as well as mind to mind did he rear his head back and strike Nick's lovely pale jugular, thrusting his fangs into the taut pulsing artery as he thrust his pulsing rampant sword into the tight, taut ass. Nicholas, his penis spurting come bloodily into one of LaCroix's caressing hands, returned the blood kiss, and the two, as one, soared to an orgasm that far surpassed any that had come before. Afterwards, Nick collapsed into LaCroix's embrace and lapsed briefly into sleep. LaCroix drowsily pondered their encounter. "Nicholas," he exclaimed suddenly, waking the younger man. "Did we do enough graphs? I only count six." He felt an anxiety attack coming on, but quickly realized that if more graphs were necessary, more sex would be too. His loins tingled at the thought. Nicholas turned over. "Forget it, I'm done. We'll leave the last one as an exercise for the reader. Graph their feedback." LaCroix snuggled Nick briefly, Tab A nestling into his butt cheeks. "This was pretty bad. We'll have to let them send negative feedback. Minus 5 for Never Darken My Screen With This Crap Again to Plus 5 for ... no, nobody's that twisted." "Hmmmm.... Shut up and snuggle, LaCroix." The End. [Apologies to all.. Okay, so I "interpeted" the rules a bit... but Bad Slash knows no limits!] Feedback to zephania@pantek.com